


Nightmare Isn't Always That Bad

by Retasudesu



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Fluff, Gender or Sex Swap, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-01
Updated: 2015-12-01
Packaged: 2018-05-04 09:40:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5329421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Retasudesu/pseuds/Retasudesu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ohno was curious on how it'd feel like to be a woman, and somehow or another, his wish was kind of granted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nightmare Isn't Always That Bad

**Author's Note:**

  * For [riidaaisbest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/riidaaisbest/gifts).



> I always refer to Ohno as 'him/he/his' in this story, so sorry if its got confusing!  
> Also, unbetaed >

Ohno stared at his reflection as he brushed his long, black, unnatural hair.

Well, not his hair, exactly. It was a wig, forced for him to wear along with the ridiculously heavy and stifling _kimono_. Ohno had tried to refuse it all – heck, he didn’t even want to act as the girl at first. But Aiba was begging; he was begging Ohno with that pleading, puppy eyes of his, asking him to go along with his ideas for their calendar because it was perfect and wonderful and it wouldn’t work if any of them wouldn’t be the girl. Ohno had looked around at his friends, exasperated, but one look at Nino and his deathly glare and he knew that Nino wouldn’t want to act as the girl (though later on, after much begging and bribing, he did, along with Jun). Ohno turned to his lovers, Jun and Sho, but they were grinning, their eyes shining with excitement and silent encouragement, and in the end Ohno found himself being shoved into the changing room, changing his manly outfit (baggy t-shirt, jeans, and old sneakers – the combination that Jun hated so much but could do nothing about) into _kimono_ and long, black wig with big and ridiculous ribbon and then they also put on make-up on him and _red lipstick for god sake_ and Ohno found himself staring at his reflection, brushing his hair, sulking, and sulking even more when he saw how his red lips made his sulking even more prominent.

In the corner, Nino snorted before slipping away – he was sure that he heard the sound of a shutter going off, and Ohno swore to God he’d hunt Nino down after it was all over.

Not that he actually looked bad – oh, he wouldn’t say that he looked ugly. He looked mostly like himself, but it was just weird – this _kimono_ hid his manly feature, and all it showed was just Ohno’s chubby cheeks and small, petite form, and Ohno thought if he was born as a girl, he’d make a helluva pretty girl.

_And I could probably bear children – imagine how elated Sho and Jun would be_.

Ohno smiled sadly – he made a slow turn, paying attention more to the way the silk made this soft sound as it grazed against the _tatami_ rather than on how graceful he looked like. He wouldn’t realize that he was graceful too, if not for someone telling it to him.

“You look graceful in it.”

Ohno looked up – he knew who it would be even without having to look, but he did anyway. He grinned lopsidedly as he saw both Jun and Sho entering the room, with Jun locking the door behind him as they walked in. They both have changed their clothes too – wearing _hakama_ and also an old-fashioned hat to hide their hair. “Thanks, Sho-chan.” Ohno said, knowing full well that only Sho’d compliment him that way – Sho had this habit on praising him in a roundabout way, almost shy and bashful, as opposed to Jun –

“You look pretty in it.”

Who’d definitely praise him without beating around the bush.

“Thanks.” Ohno repeated, though he didn’t fully meant it – he wasn’t sure if he should be thrilled being called as pretty in this kind of clothes after all, while he was fully aware that he was a man. “I don’t think it suits me that much though.”

“Are you kidding me? You look so beautiful, Satoshi.” Jun insisted, and with the way he was smiling so widely, Ohno almost wanted to believe him. “You really look like a girl.” Jun approached him, and then he frowned as his eyes fixed on his lips. “But maybe, that lipstick needs to be gone.”

Sho moved without Jun even have to ask him for it – he took the wet tissue from his bag on the corner, and then, rather than offering it to Ohno, he wiped the lipstick by himself, as careful as the clumsy Sho could ever be. “Done…I guess?” He said after a while, pulling back to take a look of his work.

Ohno turned to stare at the mirror, and he sheepishly smiled as he saw the color of the lipstick was nearly gone – his lips was still too pink, the remain of the red one, but at least he looked much more like him, and Ohno felt more at ease. “Thanks.” He said, and this time he meant it.

“You’re welcome.” Sho cheerfully said, and then his eyes lingered affectionately, and he shyly said, “But Matsujun was right – you’re really beautiful.”

“Isn’t he?” Jun beamed as he placed his hands on Ohno’s shoulder, as if he was boasting around his masterpiece. “You really are, Satoshi.”

“Okay, I got it. I’m beautiful.” Ohno said, but his cheeks were warm now, and it was because these two men wouldn’t stop smiling and staring at him with warmth on their eyes, and Ohno felt like he was melting under them. “Okay. Now, let’s go back to work.”

Jun’s hold on his shoulder tightened, and then he hugged him from behind, arms circled around Ohno’s neck. “One minute.” He mumbled to Ohno’s shoulder. “We want to monopolize you before the other got to see how beautiful you are.”

Sho was smiling at him, silently agreeing with Jun, and he took one of Ohno’s hand, squeezing it while the other hand went up to slip his a long strand of hair behind his ear. Ohno basked in their affections, body melting under Jun’s hug and Sho’s touch, and in that short, yet seemingly endless minute, he wondered how wonderful it’d be if he really was a girl. A normal girl, with silk, black hair and petite, preferably a bit sexy body, who could bear children – _their children_. He wondered how nice would it be to wake up between his lovers, and then their kids would make their way from under the blanket for the sake of waking them up, demanding for breakfast so early in the chirp, cloudless Sunday morning –

A knock, and the minute was over.

“Ohno-san, Sakurai-san, Matsumoto-san.” The staff called. “It’s time; Aiba-san has been asking for you all.”

“We’ll be there in a minute.” Sho answered for all of them. He played with the long strands of Ohno’s wig for a while before he finally let go, and as if on cue, Jun also let go of him. “Well.” Jun sighed from behind him. “Let’s get this calendar over with and go home – I can’t wait to go home.”

“Me too.” Sho chirped in, and they both smiled, but it didn’t quite reach their eyes, and Ohno stared at them.

_Maybe they were imagining it too_.

And again, Ohno wondered how nice would it be to be a girl for them.

_I wonder how it’d feels like to be a girl._

He looked at his reflection, at the woman staring at him, and then he closed the door.

***

_Where am I?_

Ohno stared at the ceiling, and he blinked a few more times because he knew that his ceiling back home wasn’t made from wood like this – this ceiling had an almost old feeling in them, like the house Aiba rented for them to make the calendar, but Ohno couldn’t possibly fall asleep at that house. He remembered having dinner with them at that house, drinking and toasting with the members and the staff, and then being hauled up by Jun into his car because Ohno was already half-asleep half-drunk. But he still remembered – he remembered Sho and Jun climbing into the car after Jun put him in the backseat. He remembered Sho saying ‘bye-bye’ loudly, probably to Nino and Aiba. He remembered telling Sho to be quiet because he wanted to sleep, remembered his lovers chuckle, remembered Sho’s warm, calloused hand against his temple telling him to sleep it off because then they’d wake him up if they were already back home.

They never wake him up, and now he was at a stranded place, so foreign and alien for him, and Ohno pushed himself up, something jiggling on his chest and he realized that he was sleeping on a big futon –

Wait.

Something…jiggling.

Ohno looked down; he was wearing a fairly thin, white _yukata_ , and he swore to God that his usually flat chest was bulging – he could almost see their shape a bit, and with trembling hands, he reached out to feel them. He barely noticed how pretty and small his hands were, before then he grasped at his chest, and _feeling that something was actually there_.

He nearly screamed – this wasn’t – this couldn’t possibly what he was thinking of!

He scrambled to his feet then, eyes taking in the room he was confined in frantically, trying to think that perhaps it was a joke, and this…this something on his chest was probably just an attachment to scare him. The room was Japanese-style, with _tatami_ and slide, paper door, and it was wide, but mostly bare. Aside from the big futon in the middle of the room, there was only a big closet in the corner of the room, a desk with papers and documents stacked on it, and then there was also a vase with fresh lilies on them. Ohno noticed that there was a photo frame on top of the closet, but he was more interested with the mirror on the wall, with small table under it filled with, undoubtedly, make-ups and things Ohno didn’t recognize, and also a small stool. He approached it slowly, and he noticed then that something was brushing against his back, and his shoulder too, and he’d panic even more if he didn’t notice what it was, which further confirmed as he stared at his reflection on the mirror.

He was…a girl.

He changed.

_But how?_

Ohno couldn’t quite believe it, so he opened his _yukata_ , just to make sure, but what he saw embarrassed him – he felt like he was peeking at someone else’s body, and so he quickly fixed his _yukata_ and this time he tightened the ribbon around it. He kept staring at his reflection in disbelief; sure, he hadn’t changed much. He still has that chubby cheeks, droppy eyes, pouty lips… But his feature has softened. His jaw wasn’t as set and manly as before, his adam apple gone, his skin looked even smoother than it was, fair looking, even, and gosh, his hair. It looked like his hair was made from silk, the way it moved so naturally whenever Ohno tilted his head, unlike the wig. Instinctively, Ohno reached for the brush on the table, and he brushed his hair softly, gently, and he shivered at the feeling of it, of having a long hair and brushing it like it has been his all along.

After a few brushes, Ohno set the brush down, and he was finally calm enough to conclude that he had undoubtedly, somehow, turned into a girl.

But he still has no idea where he was.

He was about to exit the room, really, he was, but then the door slide opened before he even reached it, and Ohno froze, fearing for who might appeared and saw him like this.

A pair of curious eyes stared at him – it was a kid.

Ohno stared at her, and the girl stared back at him, her fingers curling on the edge of the door as she stared at Ohno, long and deep, and Ohno thought that she looked familiar, something was familiar with that pretty brown eyes and long eyelashes and pouty lips –

And then the small girl suddenly turned away and screeched, “Father, mother is awake!”

Mother.

_Oh my god._

Ohno heard someone approaching; heavy steps, meaning it belong to a man, and the girl suddenly dashed towards Ohno, hugging his knees and looking up at him hopefully, and Ohno knew what she wanted – so easy, he could read her mind so easily like he was reading his own mind to the point that he was scared. He picked the girl up, surprised that she weighed more than she looked, and he steadied her on his embrace as a man showed up from behind the door.

Jun. It was Jun, in a _hakama_ with his hair slicked back neatly.

“About time.” Jun said, almost chiding, even, as he frowned towards Ohno, not realizing that Ohno was on the brink of tears because he was so glad to see Jun – someone he actually knew  ever since he woke up in this crazy morning. “How long do you intend to sleep, Satoko?”

Ohno nearly choked. “I – what?” He asked, noticing how infuriatingly sweet and soft and girly his voice was.

“It’s breakfast time.” He said, turning away from Ohno and started walking down the hallway. “Come on, Satoko.”

Ohno decided to follow, with the small girl warm on his embrace – she was playing with his hair, braiding it, and Ohno whispered to her. “What’s your name?”

The girl stared at her, frowning, and Ohno could almost see Sho and Jun expressions on her face it scared him. “It’s a game.” Ohno added. “So, what’s your name?”

The girl perked up at the mention of game, and she whispered, “The name is Satomi.”

“Oh.” Ohno nodded, his heart warming a bit at the smile the girl gave him. “I’m Satoko. Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too, mother.” She giggled, and she pecked Ohno’s cheeks lovingly, before sliding off on her embrace and ran after Jun, tugging on his sleeve and holding hands as they walked down the hallway.

Ohno felt like crying again, but it was from a different cause.

They reached the dining room then – even before he entered it, he could hear the lively chattering from behind the door, and it scared him, somehow. But Jun was giving him a weird look with the way he was stalling on the doorframe, and so after taking a deep breath, he walked in.

The first thing he noticed, aside from the table in the middle of the room filled with food already, was Sho.

Sho was there, sitting on the head of the table with a newspaper on his hands; he was wearing clothes like Jun, _hakama_ , and his hair was also slicked back, showing off his wide forehead rather proudly.

But he wasn’t the only one.

Sitting on his left side were two kids – a boy and a girl were sitting side by side while chatting excitedly about something and it was obvious they were older than Satomi. They were probably around eight or nine years old, while Satomi was not more than five, if not less. They looked alike each other, same eyes, same nose, same lips, same cheekbones – the only difference was probably their hair, with the boy’s hair cropped shortly and the girl’s hair as long as Ohno, maybe even longer.

Ohno couldn’t stop staring at them – no doubt they were his children too.

“Mother.” The girl finally noticed him, and Ohno jerked at the mention of his…title. “Why are you staring at us like that?”

“Ah, no…” Ohno mumbled; Sho was staring at him too now, eyes wide in concern, and Ohno finally decided to tell a lie. “I was just thinking that my kids have really grown up…”

“That again?” The boy spoke up then with a sneer. “Mother, sometimes I can’t tell you apart from grandfather.”

“Takeru.” Sho finally spoke, his voice deep and unchanging as ever, and Ohno felt drawn to it; he did walk towards Sho, only to stop and sit on his right, knowing that he was sitting on the right place because no one corrected him. “Don’t talk like that to your mother.”

“Sorry, father.” The boy, Takeru, said, but he was grinning lopsidedly towards Ohno, something that he sometimes saw on himself, and Ohno couldn’t help but grinning back. “I won’t do it anymore, I promise.”

“You better.” Ohno said this time, and he sneaked a glance to Sho. Sho was smiling at him, and Ohno smiled back. Their smiling contest, however, was break soon enough as Jun emerged from what seems to be a kitchen with a tray full of _miso shiru_ , and Satomi was trailing behind him. Ohno watched as Jun placed the soup for each one of them, respectively, and he wondered why Jun did all this when it was obvious that Ohno was the woman – shouldn’t he be the one who did this kind of job?

As if he could hear Ohno’s question, Jun said, “It’s your turn to prepare the breakfast tomorrow, Satoko, so don’t oversleep, okay?”

Ah, of course. Of course they’d try to divide the house chores – Ohno smiled widely to Jun as he nodded, and Jun returned the smile, even though it was only a small one. “Now.” Jun said as he set the tray aside – he sat on the other end of the table, facing Sho, while Satomi slipped to sit beside Ohno. “ _Itadakimasu_.”

The word was mimicked by everyone in the room and soon enough, they were digging on their food. It was a very simple breakfast, with grilled fish and warm rice and _miso shiru_ , but everyone seemed to enjoy it a lot. The twins were chattering a lot, especially the girl, who Ohno finally found out to be named as Haru. Jun and Sho, the ever smooth talker, were also joining in, making the breakfast more lively, and Ohno was content from watching from the side, while constantly taking care of Satomi, like blowing her hot soup and picking the bone from her fish carefully so she wouldn’t choke on any.

But it was pleasant, really. It was such a pleasant morning, and even though Ohno still didn’t understand anything – like how he could get here and changed gender and having children – nothing seemed to matter that much. He has children, for god sake, and a happy, functioning, family, so why bother asking ‘why’?

Ohno decided then, as he laughed along with the others for Takeru’s stupidity, that he’d just get along with this kind of life.

After breakfast though, everyone has to leave. Sho and Jun have to work (at where, Ohno has no idea) and they’d drop Hikari and Takeru at school. Satomi was to stay with her, and the kid has been faithfully helping Ohno with the dishes – she kept on bringing the dirty plates one by one to the kitchen, as careful as she could, and it was taking a very long time compared than if he did it all by himself, but Ohno loved to see the smile on the girl’s face as she managed to bring each plate without breaking them, and so Ohno let her taking as long as she need.

“Satoko.” Sho called him, and as he turned around, he found a pair of lips on his, and Ohno instinctively kissed back because it still felt like Sho’s lips, that even though everything changed, his kisses still comfort him, and it took all Ohno had not to cling on him – not with his hands soapy, Sho was going to work after all.

“Not fair.” A voice came from behind Sho, and Ohno sucked in breath as their lips parted, only to see Jun scowling at them. Sho chuckled, but he moved away anyway, and Jun immediately took his place, hands resting on Ohno’s waist and flushing their bodies together as he claimed his lips, and again, Ohno fought the urge to cling as he kissed back, relieved to find that Jun’s kisses was still the same too – it was as protective as always.

“Father!” Haru groaned then. “We’re going to be late!”

“Yes!” Takeru chirped in. “Come on, Father! We’re reaaally going to be late!”

“Fine, fine.” Jun grumbled against Ohno’s lips – he pecked it one more time, before he finally let go. “I’ll buy _sushi_ for dinner.”

“Okay.” Ohno answered, still in a daze and not realizing much of what Jun was saying. “Okay.”

The group left with a series of ‘ _Ittekimasu_ ’ and Ohno replied with half-mumbled ‘ _Itterashai_ ’, before then he looked at Satomi, who couldn’t stop giggling ever since he was assaulted- err, kissed, by her fathers.

“Satomi-chan.” Ohno called then. “Let’s play another game.”

The girl’s eyes gleamed brightly.

The game was basically this: Ohno pretended to forget what he was supposed to do for the rest of the day, and Satomi has to instruct him. The girl did so happily – Ohno was afraid that she’d lie, but she was taking this pretty seriously. After washing the dishes, she told Ohno to take the water in the well outside, and he did. He was annoyed to find out that his strength was limited in this girlish body, so he has to take a few trips back and forth to get the water with Satomi encouraging him beside him. Once that done, Satomi told Ohno to clean the house, and he did too, starting by folding the futon in his room and collecting the dirty clothes and also swiping the floor, Satomi hot on his heels. Once that over, Satomi told Ohno to wash the clothes, and he did, with Satomi playing with the bubbles and the cold water and Ohno smiling over her antics even though he has to crouch down and wash the clothes in a board, but at least he felt refreshed when he was finished, the clothes exposed under the sunlight to dry.

“Now.” Ohno turned to Satomi as he swiped his sweats with the back of his hand. “Now what, Satomi-chan?”

Satomi looked up while holding her stomach. “Lunch.”

Ohno made a quick lunch for them – nothing much but a few _onigiri_ and heated up _miso shiru_ , but Satomi gobbled them up like she was the one who did all the work, and then she burped and she looked embarrassed that she did, but all Ohno did was laugh, and the girl laughed along with him.

When Ohno asked him again on what should they do after lunch, the girl said, “It’s your favorite time, mother.” She said. “It’s nap time.”

And of course, she was right. They were quick to get a thin blanket and a pillow and they spread it in the living room, the windows open and the spring breeze coming in, the chime ringing softly as they both cuddled up, drifting to a dreamland quickly with their stomach full.

And as Ohno drifted asleep, with his daughter warm against his brand-new body, he thought, _I hope this will still continue after I wake up_.

Luckily, it did.

They were awake around four, a mother and daughter curled up against each other with the soft, orange light coming through the window, and it seemed stupid to think that this was weird now. It was the most natural thing ever, waking up like this, and Ohno felt like he has been living this way for a long while, and that life of him as an idol was, in turn, a dream; the fact that someone that lived in this era must have known next to nothing about idol was completely dismissed by him. He simply woke Satomi up, and then they went to gather the dried up clothes and folded them one by one neatly before putting them into the closets. Once that was done, he bathed Satomi with the water heated by him having to burn some wood and blow at it to keep the fire steady, while Satomi was yelling at him, saying, ‘no, the water is still too cold’, ‘a bit more now, mother,’ and ‘yes that’s it! The water is good now!’ and Ohno hurried up back to the bathroom to wash her up before the water gone cold again.

It was much later, when Satomi was already dressed up and Ohno was braiding her hair with the fatigue hanging over him did Jun and Sho and also the twins came home, and as promised, Jun brought home lots of _sushi_. “As promised.” Jun said with a grin as Ohno and Satomi welcomed him, holding boxes of _sushi_ on his hands. “We’ll have a party tonight~”

“What’s the occasion though?” Ohno asked after both Hikari and Takeru snatched the boxes away and ran inside the home, with Satomi running after her siblings.

“Nothing, really.” Jun said. “I just want to celebrate my happy family and my very sexy and beautiful wife.”

“God, listen to you, Jun.” Sho groaned as he rolled his eyes, but even then his hand brushed against Ohno’s softly. “But yeah. We don’t really need a reason to celebrate something, right?”

Ohno smiled so wide the corners of his eyes crinkles, and he held both of his husbands’ hands. “Yes.”

The dinner went by pleasantly, and Jun, Sho, and Takeru took a bath together; apparently it was their ‘boys talk’ time. Then after that it was Ohno and Haru turn, in which Ohno found out that Haru liked to gossip about this handsome guy in her class to him because both Jun and Sho didn’t like the idea of her having someone she liked, while Ohno was all for it, though mostly it was because her talk distracted him from the horror of washing his foreign body, feeling as if he was doing something inappropriate by scrubbing soap all over his full breasts and… _down there_. Ohno found himself cheering for his girl to go get the boy, in which he knew wasn’t the very smart thing of parents to do, but Haru was smiling shyly, and Ohno thought that yeah, he might be failing to be a good parent, but whatever, as long as his baby was happy.

And Ohno was happy too.

He was undoubtedly happy; he walked towards their bedroom with light steps, wearing another thin _yukata_ for him to sleep on, and as he slipped into their bedroom, the futon was already prepared and Jun was already lying on it, stretching himself and groaning as his bones popped satisfyingly.

“ _Otsukare_.” Ohno said softly as he walked to the futon; Jun turned to him, his eyes warm and loving as he opened his arms, and Ohno easily fell to his embrace, fitting into him perfectly with ease. He rested his head on Jun’s chest, listening to his rhythmic heartbeat, and then he asked, “Where’s Sho-chan?”

“Checking on the kids, making sure that they’re asleep.” Jun answered; his fingers running through Ohno’s damp hair. Ohno hummed at his answer, knowing that Sho would be here soon then, and he didn’t resist when Jun sought for his lips, dragging him into a passionate kiss and making his whole body tingling with a new sensation, something that was quite different from when he was kissing as a man. He felt more sensitive all over.

Sho came in not so long after, when he was still kissing with Jun, and he quietly slipped into the futon, pressing his body against Ohno’s back, and started kissing his neck while his strong arms wrapped around Ohno’s waist.

Well, if something was not changing, it was this – the way they showed their love towards each other.

Ohno thought they’d have sex – at least, it seemed to be that way, but Jun finally pulled away and he rested his forehead against Ohno, sighing. “I want to continue, but I’m so sleepy.” He sulked.

Sho chuckled from behind him, his hands caressing Ohno’s stomach softly, and then he said, suggestively, “Isn’t it good that tomorrow is Friday, then?”

Jun grinned. “Yeah.”

Ohno rolled his eyes as he turned to face the ceiling, huffing, “Perverts.”

His husbands, though, didn’t seem to be offended by it. In fact, they were laughing whole-heartedly, Jun’s fingers lingers on his cheeks while Sho’s arm was still draped on his slim waist, their body radiating warmth, even more when they laughed, and Ohno felt his heart swelling with so much love. “I love you both.” He said then, gratefully as tears pricked her eyes. “And the kids too – Takeru and Haru and Satomi. I love them all.”

“I love my family too.” Sho said, making a conclusion for them, and Jun was nodding beside him.

“Me too.”

Ohno smiled, and he turned his head towards Sho, burying his face into his collarbone, and he mumbled, “If this is a dream, I don’t want to wake up.”

“But you have to.” Jun suddenly said; his voice suddenly rough and strained. “You have to wake up.”

“Jun?” Ohno tried to turn, but Sho grabbed his shoulder.

“Wake up.” He said as he shook Ohno’s body frantically, but Ohno didn’t feel any pain. “Wake up, Satoshi! Wake up!”

Ohno didn’t want to – he was still awake for god sake, and it didn’t make sense, what they said to him. He felt so awake; he was awake, and he wanted to tell them that, but his mouth was firmly closed. His eyes suddenly went heavy, and everything clouded over, and he remembered seeing Jun’s and Sho’s figure blended into one, hazy shadow, and then suddenly there was a streak of white line, filling his vision, and then there was nothing.

***

“Baby? Wake up, we’ve arrived already.”

Ohno woke up with a jerk – it was dark all around him, and it took him a moment to realize that he was still lying on the backseat of Jun’s car, noticing that the car has stopped now, and Sho was on the front seat, turned around on his seat and shaking his body gently to wake him up. “Satoshi-kun?” Sho called up once more.

“Yeah.” Ohno groaned as he blinked a few times – he was crying. “Yeah.”

“You want me to pick you up?” Sho asked suggestively – Jun was nowhere to be found.

Ohno blinked once more. _Why was I crying? What did I dreamed of? What was it – Oh. Oh._ “Yeah.”

Sho went out of the car then, probably to get ready to pick him up, and it took him less than a few seconds to open the back door, but Ohno couldn’t really move. He couldn’t, because he remembered his dream and now he was struck with a dread feeling of longing. Suddenly he felt lonely, knowing that the kids were just a dream, and that he was back on being a man now. He couldn’t get pregnant, not anymore, and of course he also couldn’t be a family with them. Having them as lovers were hard enough – they have to keep it a secret, laying low and hiding from everyone else to see, let alone declaring their love for each other so openly with their status as the national idols. So, no. Impossible.

Ohno choked on his tears – it was so cruel. So cruel to give him a dream like that.

“Satoshi-kun?” Sho asked him worriedly now, and he touched Ohno’s knees tentatively, unsure on why he was crying. “Satoshi-kun, what’s wrong?”

Ohno didn’t answer, and Sho kept on asking him until he finally heard Jun’s worried noise coming from the outside. He heard Sho saying, ‘I don’t know why he’s crying’ and not so long after Jun stuck his head into the car, the scent of cigarette strong on him, meaning he probably got away from then for a while to have a cigarette before going up to their apartment. “Satoshi?” Jun asked him. “What’s wrong, baby? Did you hit your head?”

“No.” Ohno answered as he wiped his face; seriously it was stupid to cry for a dream. “Just – nightmare.”

He crawled out of the car then, face blotchy and red and wet from all the crying, and Sho was quick to wipe his face clean with his handkerchief, making sure he was presentable, though no one but the security would see them anyway. They looked like they wanted to ask more, but Ohno didn’t want to be asked – he didn’t know what to say to them after all. Saying out his dream out loud sounded ridiculous, especially the part where he changed his gender. So he just walked from the parking lot to inside the building, and his lovers followed behind him quietly. They said nothing as they reached their room, they said nothing as they take turns to use the bathroom and change their clothes, and they said nothing as they cuddled up in the bed, the three of them with Ohno in the middle to actually keep Sho away from harming Jun on his sleep – Sho was pretty wild on his sleep after all, and Jun never wanted to deal with it, so Ohno was stuck in the middle. When usually he’d turned to one of them with the other one pressed into his back, this time he wasn’t. He laid down and faced the ceiling with his fingers curled on the edge of the blanket, and Jun and Sho were staring at him, determined not to bother him, but was too worried to at least stop staring.

Not able to stand the stares for long, Ohno finally, quietly, said, “We had kids.”

They blinked, and they said nothing, so Ohno said more, “We had twins, a boy and a girl. And there was also a smaller one, a small little girl. She was like an angel; no, actually they were all angels. And they were ours.” He added then. “They were _mine_.”

Jun’s lips pulled in a deep frown as he was thinking, while Sho, always so quick on processing anything, carefully asked, “Yours…?”

“I gave birth to them.”

“But –“

“I was a woman.” He mumbled. “In my dream, I was.” He pulled the blanket higher then, covering his face so they wouldn’t be able to see how wrenched he looked like. “But I’m not. I’m not now. It just… it makes me sad to think that I can’t have them for real. Forever.”

The silence that followed after that was heavy, and Ohno closed his eyes shut as he hide behind the blanket, grateful for it so he didn’t have to look at his lovers expression. After a moment passed, he could hear Jun sighed, and then he pressed his cheek on top of Ohno’s head, sighing as he did so. “You don’t have to beat yourself up for it.” Jun mumbled to his hair. “It’s not like we are desperate for kids –“

“But you wanted them.” Ohno said, matter-of-factly. “Both of you.” And him too, but he didn’t need to say it – they knew. “And we can never have them because we can’t get pregnant, neither of us could, and besides what would the society say then?”

“I’d say fuck them.” Jun said, but Ohno snorted.

“Sho-chan wouldn’t be able to do that.”

And they knew he was right – Sho would never be able to do it, not while his father was on a top-ranked position in the government. Sho sighed, sadly, and Ohno’s insides twisted with guilt for pinning it on him, so he quickly said, “Look, it’s just a dream, okay? I’m being foolish and sensitive and emotional, but probably it was because of the alcohol. So let’s just sleep it off, okay? We’ll feel better in the morning.” When no one answered, Ohno stubbornly closed his eyes. “I’ll sleep.”

And he really intended to do so – it was hard to be mad at his lovers when he was being stuck in the middle like this, so he turned to lay on his stomach, stuffed his face against the pillow, and he forced himself to sleep. But he was too aware of his surroundings – he was aware of his lovers staring sadly at his back, aware of the probability of them sharing a sad look with each other now, and he couldn’t stand it; he couldn’t stand it and he was about to say something about it, when he felt Sho’s warm hand on his back, caressing.

“We will have children one day.” He said firmly. “And maybe she, or he, won’t be ours fully. Maybe we’d have to adopt, but we eventually will. Not now. Not tomorrow. But someday.” When Ohno was about to interrupt, Sho shook his head. “Believe me, we will.”

He turned to look at Jun then, and Jun was smiling slightly at him, but his eyes were alighted with the usual determination on them, with the usual stubborn look that’d bend everyone’s will at one sight of him. “We will.” He said, agreeing with Sho. “And our kids would grow up so well with three dads and no mom.” His smile got wider when he said this, and it was infectious because Ohno felt the corner of his mouth lifted too. “No one has to be a woman for our family to function. I’m sure of it.”

And it was silly – he knew it was silly, and their promises were empty, somehow. Ohno couldn’t really see them happening, but he wanted to believe. He wanted to believe that it could happen, that someday, they’d move into a house, and the hallways, the rooms, would be filled with kids laughter every year. The house would be filled with so much happiness that it’d have a hard time confining it; that in every corner, you could only feel warmth and overflowing love.

He wanted to believe that it could happen, that it wouldn’t stay just as dream anymore.

But for now, he only has it. Now, cuddling up against his lovers in their warm bed, Ohno could only wait for the miracle to work, and so, he’d have to be satisfied with dream – until the day come where it wouldn’t be a mere dream anymore.

“I got to name our children.” He whispered into the dark, but both Jun and Sho were already fast asleep, clinging to him as they did.

Didn’t matter though – he knew he’d have his way.

And he knew what he would name them.

That night, Ohno fell asleep with a smile, and he wasn’t worried anymore for any nightmare. In fact, he welcomed them with open arms, because sometimes, nightmare wasn’t always that bad.


End file.
